Cradle To Grave

couple back to back not communicating

WITH CONFIDENCE I CAN TELL  you to look no further than the relationship with your parents to identify the source of the upsets you have with current relationships, even your relationship to God. 

 

Your expectations for all relationships were set in early childhood based on what you needed and received or did not receive from your parents.

 

This has been a true statement whether I coached an executive in his thirties, forties, fifties or sixties, or a student, or recent graduate. 

 

You expected a lot from your parents and hopefully, they delivered much of what you needed. But as human beings, they fell short and there were things you needed that they failed to give you. 

 

You were after a full measure of love, respect, significance, and security from your parents, and those things were compromised from time to time.

 

Therefore, you had to figure out ways to get those needs met from them, sometimes only to learn that your attempts were futile. 

 

Not to worry, you thought, because as you developed a social life outside your family, you found new people in whom you could expect to get love, respect, significance, and security. 

 

It is a simple exercise, and one worth your time, to write down the five or six things you got from your parents that you needed and then five or six things you needed but couldn’t get from them.

 

Now take a look at your important relationships today, whether with God, a friend, spouse, or a boss, and see if the things you value and the things missing in these relationships are similar to your list. 

 

Our upsets in relationships are due to unmet expectations that we project onto people and God that are based on our sense of right and wrong, values usually set in stone from childhood. 

 

We believe we are entitled to expect certain behaviors from others, which only sets them up to fail us. 

 

For example, if I expect my boss to jump up and down with high praise because I brought in a big sale and she fails to notice, or worse, she criticizes me for coming back from the appointment late, my feelings are going to be hurt.

 

That’s just like mom, whom I could never seem to please…and now I’m mad, feeling unloved, disrespected, insignificant and insecure. 

 

Until we learn that no one but ourselves can be responsible for the needs of our innermost being, we are stuck in a Vicious Cycle of effort and disappointment. 

 

We wrongly believe that people should know what we expect from them, and truthfully, we don’t want them to know what we really expect from them. 

 

Can you imagine on your job interview telling your potential boss that you expect her to love you, to praise you for doing your job, to be as patient and kind and gentle with you as your dad was, and to never yell at you as your mom did? 

 

Or, how about your spouse and friends? “I chose you because you are just like the best parts of my mom and dad, but I expect you to meet the expectations they failed to meet.” 

 

The relationship we have with God is no different. We project onto God the same characteristics and behaviors we experienced with our mom and dad and we expect him to act accordingly. In doing so, we have a distorted view of him—who he really is—and tragically, we doubt he can meet the needs of our innermost being. 

 

Jesus answered her, “If you knew the gift of God, and who it is that is saying to you, ‘Give me a drink,’ you would have asked him, and he would have given you living water.”

Jesus said to her, “Everyone who drinks of this water will be thirsty again,but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again. John 4: 10,13-14

Lamentations 5:7,2 Kings 14:6Ezekiel 18:4,25-28,31-32

As always, it is my intent and hope that my words may encourage you wherever you are in your journey.

Please share your thoughts in the comments below or go to the group tab above to share your own experience. It only takes a minute of your time to register (and you can be anonymous), and your words may help others.

If anyone has ears to hear, let him hear.–Jesus (Mark 4:23)

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Sister Pearl
July 19, 2020 12:54 pm

Oh sigh. Thanks again for the authentic truth and insight.

What I got:
Strong family
Love
Discipline
Work ethic
Roots

What didn’t get
1:1 time
Hugs
Fun
Light hearted ness
Forever love

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