house hanging on the edge

A Good Church Lady knows that fear is a sin. Jesus never said, “Try not to be afraid.” He said, “Do not be afraid.”


And every time he said this, which was the commandment he spoke more than any other, he always explained why to his sheep.


The problem? Some of us are truly dumb sheep. 


Flat broke on the day I finally got my sociopathic husband out of my house, I suddenly remembered I had $30,000 cash value in a life insurance policy.


Finding that money took a lot of fear away, but I was so worn out by all of the lessons I was learning about how God goes about exchanging my best thinking in “The Gospel According to Me” for his ways, I didn’t mention to the Lord that I had this money. 


Just like the conniving sheep that I am. 


Afraid to put the money in the bank for fear the IRS would seize it, I hid the money at a girlfriend’s home in a spare closet.

I could have kept the money hidden in my own house, but I figured God would see it there, and I wanted him to think I was destitute so he would open the doors to the work I desperately needed. 


This proves the opposite of faith is fear. 


I made frequent stops at my friend’s house to get the cash I needed. As a new Jesus follower, I tried so hard not to be afraid by continuing to read my Bible and learn the mystery of God’s ways.

When I went to church, it was all “Praise Jesus” among those happy people who seemed to have no problems, and when I came home, I was back in my reality of dragons and giants. 


The IRS wanted to seize my house. They said it would offset the $500,000 debt they decided I owed on behalf of the husband who fought against divorce.

No wonder. He liked to quote, ‘God hates divorce’ when it was convenient. He just liked to leave out the second part of that scripture that says God hates violence more. 


Running out of the insurance windfall and uncertain that I had pleased God, I was paralyzed with fear.

I felt lost, broken, and utterly helpless.

Faced with the decision of stiffing my childcare helper or buying groceries, I gave her the last of my money.

That was the day I threw myself onto my bed and cried out in anger to God, accusing him of being impotent and unloving. 


We will either wait on God, or God will wait on us. 


Was it a coincidence the bank called right after I told God my circumstances couldn’t get any worse or was that God showing me they could?


Was it a coincidence they wanted $27,000 for a banking error made the prior year, or did God know I still had a little self-sufficiency fight in me? 


Was it a coincidence that I had suddenly remembered a $30,000 cash value from a life insurance policy the day I got my husband out of my house ten months earlier, or was that God’s way of showing me that I can never hide from him?


Was it a coincidence that the Lord waited until I finally got to the end of myself, my effort, and money when the phone rang again from a potential client who wanted to give me work?


If you don’t know the Jesus I know, you may believe it coincidence, for I have come to learn that even with evidence to the contrary, if one refuses to believe, he or she will not believe.


You can call me a dumb sheep, but I already know that I am. 

“Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them.

Doesn’t he leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it?—Luke 15:4 (NIV)


The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.

He makes me lie down in green pastures (even when I fight to do so),

he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul.


He guides me along the right paths (even when I think my path is best)

 for his name’s sake.


Even though I walk through the darkest valley, (where I think I will die)

I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.—Psalm 23:1-4

Ephesians 5:33,Hebrews 4:13,John 14:27Psalms 94:19Matthew 10:281 John 4:18

It is always my intent and hope that my words may encourage you wherever you are in your journey.

If anyone has ears to hear, let him hear.–Jesus (Mark 4:23)

Please share your thoughts in the comments below or go to the group tab above to share your own experience. It only takes a minute of your time to register (and you can be anonymous), and your words may help others.

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November 8, 2020 7:03 am

I fight my fear everyday. The problem is that fear changes in appearance so I have to be vigilant. Thank you for helping me look at my fear from a different perspective.

Honey Bee
November 9, 2020 6:52 am

Coincidence is God’s way of remaining anonymous. Albert Einstein

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