I DO NOT TRUST JESUS.
I should be able to trust him, but I don’t. It sounds incredulous when I say it, and when I do, I should feel embarrassed but surprisingly I don’t.
Except when I’m admitting it to Him. It’s pathetic, I know. Since he was the last person among my closest circle of friends in whom I admitted this ugly truth.
And he was the only one who already knew it.
Now I know there are billions of people on the planet who do not trust Jesus simply because they do not recognize him as the Son of God. But, my friends and family have known me as a Jesus follower for more than two decades.
I’m supposed to trust Jesus.
I was never the stand-on-the-street-corner-preaching kind of Christian, but I was a Sunday school teacher for many years and led Bible studies in my home. I raised my own kids to trust Jesus, and I tell other people to trust the Lord, sounding just like a typical church lady.
So how can I say I don’t trust him?
The ugly truth is that I trust myself more than I trust God. Do you understand what I’m admitting? That I think I am smarter and more powerful than God. That I know more than God what is best for me, and I can make things happen that he cannot. As I write these words I am surprised at myself. How can I say I think God is virtually impotent?
I told you it is an ugly truth.
Do I believe Jesus is who he said he is? Yes. Do I believe he performed miracles? Yes. Do I believe he gave up his life for me and resurrected from the grave so I could have eternal life? Yes.
But, I’m also not concerned about my life after I die. I’m worrying about dying right now. In shame, guilt, humiliation, and unmet expectations. I’m concerned about today.
And the end of the month.
And my future.
And if I cannot see how or where or when I’m going to be able to fight the dragons and giants in my life, I get wishy-washy in my belief.
The voice in my head whispers:
Do you believe Jesus really loves you? Do you believe he really cares about what happens to you? Do you believe he really knows the desires of your heart? Do you believe you actually matter to God?
These are not the questions one who follows Jesus should answer with a “maybe”. Or “sometimes”. Or “no”.
Especially a church lady.
So, here’s the best thing about getting our shameful secrets on the outside of our body: they lose their power. No longer am I chained as if I’m in a solitary confinement awaiting my death for some horrible crime like treason.
Or being human.
And for that I am not embarrassed.
“If you continue in My word, then you are truly disciples of Mine; and you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free.”—Jesus
As always, it is my intent and hope that my words may encourage you wherever you are in your journey.
Please share your thoughts in the comments below or go to the group tab above to share your own experience. It only takes a minute of your time to register (and you can be anonymous), and your words may help others.
If anyone has ears to hear, let him hear.–Jesus (Mark 4:23)